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I am embarrassed by what I thought five years ago. I hope to be embarrassed five years from now by what I know today.    - A person growing in faith and knowledge.




A Christian Guide to Dating                                                 Blog Archive   Home




A Christian Guide to Dating

1. Introduction

There have been other books that attempt to help Christian young people navigate their way to marriage and happy homes. This is particularly difficult as modern times have created environments of greater difficulty than past generations have faced. To try to help Christian young people navigate the difficulties they face, this book will cast a wide net and touch on subjects not often considered relevant.

One might ask why I feel qualified to write a book on dating. I was born in 1950. My childhood was shaped by the Lutheran church and I didn’t smoke, drink, or use drugs until the late 1960s in the Army. The ignorance I faced was so great that it approaches what many face today.

I did not get married until I was 43. As of today I have been married 32 years. I have stage four colon cancer and hope to finish this book for my son before I go. I do not advocate that people wait until their 40s to marry. Hopefully the information in this book will allow Christian young people to learn things such that they won’t have to learn through mistakes of their own.

After witnessing the pain people go through with divorce, I concluded that living by yourself is much better than living with a mistake. This alone is useful to avoid many potential pitfalls. It doesn’t build a happy home, but avoiding an unhappy one can be useful too.

The question of happiness often comes  up and many are confused as to what constitutes happiness. Perhaps it can be useful to consider a cycle of consumptive indulgence where a person takes steps to find stimulation. Stimulation often requires more frequent and more intense dosages of stimulation to produce the same effect. This can lead to excessive indulgences that begin to cause pain in a life. This negative spiral can be seen with alcoholism. If someone is able to come out of a negative spiral, they often find that a life without stimulation is boring only to return to what caused their problems in the first place. Being stimulated in not happiness.

We are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. We want what we want when we want it. Most learn to curb selfishness enough to stay out of jail. However, it is the pursuit of consumptive selfish interests that often result in negative spirals. This is often more of a problem for younger people who may not have had an opportunity to take enough control of their own life to master this natural component we all have. As a result, our expressions of selfishness often poison our relationships.

To get past boredom into the realm of happiness requires an ability to derive satisfaction from what can be done for others. Parents often discover this in raising their children. Being able to help others can be deeply rewarding for those not driven by an insatiable need to consume and stimulate themselves.

It is the intention of this book to touch on the various subjects that hinder Christians today and keep them developmentally immature so that they make poor decisions and end up with a divorce rate no different than those who reject Christ.

2. The Way it Used to Be

Up until the invention of the automobile most people lived and died where they were born. Families were large in both depth and breadth. Most lived in villages where everyone grew up together and knew each other intimately. Even urban life was in the “villages” of neighborhoods. As children grew, their parents with an eye to the future, would suggest and observe who might make good mates for their children. Often a marriage was simply the next inevitable step in a years long process.

Several dynamics operated in this environment. Parental involvement, deep knowledge of other individuals, cultural inertia, and the social pressure to continue the cultural momentum. This did not guarantee happiness and occasionally relational problems emerged. However, as families gave way to society, individuals increasingly lost the depth of relationships with both families and community.

Barrier contraception was only beginning to be used in the late 19th century  Fertility rates (the number of children born per woman) has declined steadily since the 1890s. In contrast there was  a steady increase in the divorce rate. The divorce rate now is starting to decline, however, it is only because fewer people are even bothering to marry.

Young Christians today need to understand how most of the world lived up until 120 years ago to understand the forces that are operating today that make finding a mate and establishing a family so difficult. Perhaps the biggest difference is how well known people used to be to each other. Christianity spread widely in the first three hundred year of the church even when there was severe persecution. This was a result of the power of a transformed life. A drunk that became a loving father or a bitter woman that became a loving wife was such a powerful testimony for those who saw real changes in those they knew intimately. Today often even family members do not know each other well enough to notice such a deep and profound change.

The intimate knowledge people had of each other was a result of spending every waking hour with each other without the distraction of TV, the Internet, school, or the luxury of leisure time. This in-depth investment in each other’s lives was both a source of strength as well as resentment. Sarte is supposed to have said, “Hell is other people”. This captures one of the reasons that as soon as technology offered the opportunity, many people took advantage to move away from their families and home towns.

One can observe the condition of mankind before the flood (every imagination of the heart only evil continuously) to understand the severity of the changes God made (shorter lifespan, susceptibility to disease, and a harsh environment with winter and droughts). This would force people to need each other to survive. This forceful intrusion of reality into the lives of people would also create an opportunity for some to see their need for God.

Taking an example from the physics of gas compression, as the gas molecules are compressed they collide with each other more frequently and produce heat. Our disconnection from God has left us driven by self-interests. These often collide with the self-interests of others producing their own kind of “heat”. The desire to be free from the “heat” of colliding with others has driven most of us so far apart that we are now strangers even to those we live and work with.

For Christians the solution to the problem of humans not liking each other can be found in spiritual maturity. If we can transition from the selfishness of the flesh to the selfless love of Christ-likeness to be found in walking by the Spirit, the problems of conflict with the selfishness of others begins to disappear.

The young Christian seeking to find someone to marry should first understand that within him is a sin nature (as seen with various manifestations of selfishness) of which he should be aware and working to diminish as part of his own spiritual growth. Additionally, he should be aware that anyone he meets will also have a sin nature (selfishness) that can manifest in many different ways. It will be important in trying to assess the odds of a successful marriage the degree to which this mutual selfishness can be managed and even reduced.

Problem areas that the young Christian can face can be summarized.

1. The world. This is run by Satan and has been designed to be hostile to and cripple Christians.
2. The flesh. There are physiological and psychological forces that can result in bad decisions.
3. Limited skills. Youth often has not yet acquired the experiences to navigate life with skill.
4. Ignorance. Decisions made without information or with only superficial information can have unforseen consequences.
5. Spiritual immaturity. Often the growth that could have been made in childhood is lacking.
6. Inhibited inquiry. Often what could be learned in casual conversation is missed because of shyness.
7. Shrinking pool. The number of Christians of any kind is decreasing. Those of a more traditional orientation are even less frequently encountered.
8. Being raised with minimum difficulties to face. This is not the same as being “spoiled” but with few problems to deal with, fewer skills are developed.


3. Satan’s Devices

Eph 2:2  Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience:

2Co_2:11  Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices.

As Christians we can know that the course of the world is directed by Satan and that we can understand some of his methods. We can see his desire to try to replace God from what is said with the five “I wills” of Isaiah 14. With a desire to make his move to try to take over the world and an inability to be everywhere at once, one can see the advantage to him to collectivize the world so that he would be able to leverage his influence.

Satan has been working for centuries to unify humanity so that he will be able to make his move to try to take over. One element in this plan was to weaken families and culture so that people would be more easily manipulated by him. One result of this was that weakened families could not supply their children with a cultural momentum that would help them establish their own families. These Satanic disadvantages should be recognized so that one can attempt to work around them.

3A. The Corporation

Using the wealth that could be obtained by global trading in the 16th century, Satan was able to get chartered companies to gain the legal status of people. These would go on to be the corporations of today. It is interesting how Satan was able to get people to think that Capitalism and Communism were opposites even though Capitalism is mostly economic collectivism. An individual might try to save his money and start his own business, but there is no way an individual can compete with a corporation. The mechanical nature of corporate systems and procedures have come to dominate governments, schools, and even churches. This advances  social isolation. For example, a person can enter a modern church and be conducted through a church service and out the door with no contact with another human. While efficient, this actually suppresses the relationships (us with God and each other) that are supposed to define Christianity.

3B. Public Education

Comparisons have often been made of public education to a mechanical conveyor belt. It might seem that being told “Shut up, sit down, and do what you are told” for 12 years would have an effect of failing to cultivate critical thinking, individual initiative, and social integration outside one’s age cohort. In conjunction with TV in the evenings, children raised in these environments are resistant to most anything their parents might want to teach even if the parents themselves had anything worthwhile to teach. Children today have been indoctrinated to follow ideas and values calculated by Satan to keep them ignorant of anything useful and make them compliant and suitable for use in his collectives.

3C. Churches

Satan has used a number of tactics to make churches weak and ineffective. Disputes over doctrine distract from the purpose of the church (to teach each member how to become like Christ (Eph 4:13).  Most parents put their children in church as if they were a car they brought to a gas station to be filled with gas. Most children abandon the religious tradition in which they were raised because they do not understand it and it seems foolish. Some continue in it, but still it has no real effect on their lives.

The imprint of collectivism started centuries earlier. Sadly it was Christianity with the Roman Catholic church that was hijacked to make the organizational template that was used as a basis to expand collective systems. These systems by their mechanical nature inhibit the ability of those in them to build relations with others. For example no one in my parent’s church knew they were alcoholic. An elderly woman at a church we visited admitted when asked that she had some financial difficulties of which her church friend of 30 years was unaware even though all she had to do was ask.

Liberal Christianity might be seen as Satanic. There are all sorts of people taken captive by Satanic ideas such as Feminism (unbridled selfishness), homosexual “rights”, and transsexual “rights”. This is often done in the guise of being “loving”. This sort of “love” is not the self-sacrificial love of Christianity, but the self-stimulating emotions of self-righteousness. Affirmation of someone destroying their life could not be called “love”.

Satan has configured the world to increase the ignorance of the young, segregate them from those who could help them, and inflame destructive selfishness. For Christians if Satan cannot prevent them from trusting in Jesus, he can try to divert them to ineffectiveness and even perhaps inflame them to attack each other.

For a young Christian thinking about dating it can be helpful to understand the handicaps he has been dealt by Satan. This world is designed to amplify the selfishness his religion hopes to reduce. This world has been designed to withhold useful information so that in ignorance he might entangle himself with the consequences of bad decisions. The exposure to thousands of hours of entertainment has worked to alter his perceptions to value the superficial, think more highly of himself than he ought, and to see in consumptive pleasure that which satisfies.

For the Christian seeking someone to marry, the hand of Satan has so contaminated the world that only on the fringe can one hope to find those who have similarly resisted the allure of the world. People often think of spiritual warfare in military terms. However, most of what Satan does is through systems he has established. People can grow with such vulnerabilities to these systems that it can be difficult to avoid being harmed by them.

Jas 4:4  Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.


4. A Father’s Heart

A couple of years ago I attended a Christian camp and observed a young man who demonstrated godly character, a solid faith, and a desire to be married. I invited him to write my youngest daughter who was 24 at the time. They have been married almost a year and seem quite happy. In contrast, several years ago we attended a church where an attractive young woman asked us to pretend to be in conversation so she could deflect the unwanted attention a young man was giving her. She later had received a proposal from a guy she did not know well and had asked her father to travel from a different state to visit and tell her what he thought. He did and gave his approval. They were married and divorced within a week. The father was not able to make an accurate assessment and both the daughter and the father did not have the time to get sufficient information even if they knew what to look for.

Parents used to play a major role in the approval or disapproval of candidates for their children to marry. Today many parents take a hands off approach perhaps because they know that they would not be able to make any sort of useful or accurate assessment. Perhaps they are fearful of resentment from thir children.

There can be an advantage in gaining parental insights. Even if the parents are not well able to make assessments, seeing someone interact with another can often add a dimension to understanding their character. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld once observed the best way tio get to know someone is to travel around the world with them. The implication that a different environment, travel difficulties, and time would provide much more information about true character than one might discover otherwise with casual dating.

A father can fail his children in several ways. He can fail to teach them how to live their faith. He can fail to grow in his own. He can fail to exercise discernment. He can fail to create a home where his children discern the value of the way of Christ. Because fathers also fall victim to the deceptions Satan has inserted into the world, younger Christians may have to recognize how this might have impacted them and understand what corrective steps might be needed.

A young child might have been raised in a Christian home only to have been given many indulgences and may be deficient in skills needed to deal with difficult circumstances. A child might have been exposed to abuse and grown to avoid difficulties rather than resolve them. Satan has made the world easy for fathers to come home from work and disappear into the basement with TV and a beer and thus disconnect from his children. Even if motivated, the father is almost always ignorant of what could or should be done.

 1Co 14:35  And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

The verse above is usually cited to show how Christians hate women. However, upon closer examination one can see that husbands are supposed to be providing instruction at home and that this is more accurately a rebuke of lazy husbands for dumping their family on the church.

Satan has subverted churches and even if a husband desires to learn how to teach his family he can be at a loss as to how and what to learn. In a way this in itself can be an opportunity as to how to “beat the bushes” (search the Internet) to find what is useful.

Eph_6:4  And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.


5. The Truth Shall Set You Free

In the movie “The Zero Effect” the axiom “Passion is the enemy of precision” is cited. This captures a bit of the problem for humans between feelings and truth. Truth can set free and emotions can enslave. One might see emotions as serving two purposes. The first is an effect that allows one to enjoy life. The other is a sort of alarm to tell us when something is wrong or needs corrective attention. Sadly, it is not uncommon to find one so given over to their emotions that there is little interest in truth. Just as the alcoholic and drug user can chase after chemical sensations, the emotional addict can become enslaved to his passions.

If one considers truth as the absolute, unchangeable description of reality, one can see how it would make one uncomfortable. This highlights why deceptions can be attractive. Emotional indulgence is not limited to obvious outbursts. For example, the upstanding Christian legalist might be seen to be indulging in the fleshly emotions of pride and self-righteousness.

It is not uncommon for young people to consider a particular marital prospect through the lens of hope and desire that can create powerful emotions that often are mistakenly taken as proof that a particular person is just the “right” one. Feelings can mess up the attempt to see truth.

Jer_17:9  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Many young people have been swept into a social current established by the media that Satan controls to think of “relationships” with others prior to marriage as acceptable. Rather than calling this casual fornication, it is often seen as a reasonable prelude to marriage. When taking a look at this practice one can see in truth that those so deceived have had an appeal to emotional feelings used as the basis for decision making rather than truth.

If one considers the casual fornication path, one sees a future described in the Country song “Third Rate Romance” and eventual isolation in old age. The chastity to marriage path allows two people to spend the first year of their marriage in exploration and discovery often with patience and even humor such that a particularly deep intimacy is built that can last a lifetime. Those who follow a confused path between these two often accumulate the problems associated with the first path and fail to fully realize the benefits of the other.

Here truth is useful to give clarity and resolve ambiguity. Perhaps the most difficult use of truth is to penetrate self-deception. Many people resist applying truth to themselves because it can cause one to lose the comforts that self-deception can provide. Jesus warned his disciples about the danger of hypocrisy (self-deception). It is a prison few seldom escape.

I once counseled a woman about her relationship. I said I would tell her what happened and she could tell me if I guessed right. I said that she had met some guy in a bar and they had hold passion and she moved in with him. It was now maybe six months later and as she looked at the guy she was wondering who he was and what she was doing with him. She told me I was right and my observation was that she had the order wrong. The time for cold analysis was up front. Then after marriage would be the time for hot passion.

The bible describes “love” as essentially selflessness (1Cor 13:4-7). The world usually considers “love" to be the emotions of lust, desire, expectation, anticipation, and speculation. These feelings are at the root of half of popular songs. Love is often presented as something one falls into or out of. For the Christian, love should be a choice that is associated with the transition from selfishness of the flesh to the selfless love of Christ likeness.

God designed marriage and children as a process that can be miserable if one does not surrender some of their natural selfishness for the benefit of others. Young Christians thinking of dating should seek those who have made progress in being less selfish as well as achieving this themselves. To be able to accurately measure others and ourselves requires the clarity that truth gives and an ability to master distorting emotions.

There is a relationship between truth and the selflessness of spiritual maturity. As we come to know more about who God is and more about who we are, we can only come to humility. It has been said that a man desires a woman and a woman desires the desire of a man. Young men may try to show off or prove themselves in some way and young women may dress or act in a way that is enticing. Humility can be a useful attribute in that if posturing is set aside, people can be more likely to talk with each other as just people and this can open the doors to all sorts of useful information.

6. Getting data

Those interested in casual fornication often see a date as a gateway to transient physical intimacy. Those seeking a mate for a lifelong marriage and with whom to build a family need to look at a date as a way to draw out information. Perhaps the initial conversation should differentiate between these two trajectories. For example asking the other person if they think they would like to have children. There are possible responses one might get such as “Whatever the Lord provides”, “Never”, or “Maybe one”. Each of these provides a wealth of information.

Asking someone what would be their ideal life can also open insight into ambitions and values. Answers that describe social prominence, material accumulation, or professional advancement also give insight as to what people feel is important.

Conversational skills are often not much developed in young people as many have been through public school where age segregation retards the ability of many to inquire of and converse with those outside their age. To help improve these skills one can join a book discussion club or even a group like Toastmasters that seek to help develop public speaking skills. Young Christian that have been homeschooled are often better able to converse.

Dating is actually an interview process. One can be fearfully apprehensive or one can approach it with casual interest. It can be beneficial to be transparent and honest because if either party rejects the other, it would be to the benefit of both. Rejection (or perhaps a better word would be disinclination) is often seen as hurtful and to be avoided. It can be useful to see it as helpful if it prevents a marriage that both would regret.

7. Swimming Against the Current

There was a time when Christianity was more widely tolerated. Much of society practiced Christian values. Today even Christian inertial legacy seems to be ending. Traditional or even worse, conservative Christianity is being rejected with increasing fervor.

Mat_5:11  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

2Ti_3:12  Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.

The Greek word “dioko” means to put to flight and is translated “persecute”. Consider the social pressure on teenagers to engage in casual fornication. Almost every media (TV, movies, social media) presents them with the idea that this is normal and expected. In conjunction with biological drives and opportunities most may find it difficult to resist natural and social pressures.

Doing something different is often seen as an implicit insult to those going in a different direction. This can trigger a hostie reaction. Those who have been through public education are aware of the coercive power a group can summon against someone who is different.

Christians can be brutal to each other over doctrines. In addition to the difficulties a young Christian dating can have trying to assess the degree of worldly and fleshly influence a prospective mate might have, there is the additional burden of trying to understand to what degree doctrine dictates someone’s values.

Young people often do not appreciate the depth of emotional feeling one can have for a particular doctrine such as Calvinism in conflict with Dispensationalism. Paul said that contentions between Christians was a sign of immaturity (1Cor 3:1-3).

Amo_3:3  Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

8. Dating suggestions

8A. Use observational and listening skills to discern kindness, and selflessness. The person who only talks about himself may not have room in his life for anyone else. Those who show an interest in and concern for others may have a heart that can welcome someone else.

8B. Avoid the superficial. Physical attractiveness can include taste and cleanliness. However, there is a danger in assuming godly character simply because one is handsome or pretty.

8C. Take time. Character qualities can take a while to be discernable. Qualities like inquisitiveness might be seen as desirable or a threat to one’s doctrine. Issues like an egalitarian home or a husband led home are important issues to resolve.

8D. Determine how money is viewed. If one is always fearful about having enough and the other does not mind living with less, it can produce a strain.

8E. Cultivate a real and sincere interest in others. Asking what are favorite books, movies, or music can open up all sorts of follow up questions. Asking where someone has traveled or if they have any favorite sports can also be a way to show interest.

8F. Self-reflection. Looking at oneself honestly in truth should reveal all sort of deficiencies. Working to make oneself a better Christian can make one more attractive to someone else who is also seeking to improve.

8G. There was a movie where a reporter was asking a celebrity who he would like to be trapped on a desert island with. He answered, “The worlds best boat builder”. Looking at marriage one can gest distracted with all sorts of imaginings. However, there will be all sorts of difficulties and what one should consider is how well the person you are interested in will be of help in both the daily grind as well as in moments of difficulty.

8H. Denominational imprint. Some approach Christianity as a script that one has to follow. Some approach it as an opportunity to question and learn. Without a common ground, Christianity can become a problem instead of a solution.

8I. Humor. Perhaps the best way to approach getting to know someone is with a relaxed and comfortable demeanor that also demonstrates a capacity to enjoy and appreciate the casual banter of social discourse that includes a sense of humor.

8J. Float the tentative as a trial balloon. If after talking with someone a person wants to see if there is reciprocal interest, a suggestion can be made such as, “Maybe we could have coffee or something sometime?” The response can vary from “Maybe” to “how about tomorrow”.

8K. Imperturbable. One fellow in a movie claimed he could engage in any romantic activity with an urbanity born of disinterest. Jaded disinterest might be a basis for urbanity, but to not be perturbed has more of a foundation in a calm certainty that no matter what happens, it is not the end of the world. If someone loses interest in you right away or even after several conversations, in the long run it is perhaps best. In the Army during a time of war one often considers the possibility of death. This can be quite liberating in that threats, bullying, or the prospect of losing everything come to mean little. In a way, old age can have the same effect. However, for Christians who have achieved a degree of selflessness and maturity, there is also little of which to be fearful or perturbed. This communicates a degree of stability and reliability.

8L. Be yourself. Attempting to project positive qualities usually has the opposite effect as insincerity is usually seen as dishonesty. Acknowledging flaws can be a useful way to work around them. For example, if one were to say, “I tend to talk too much. Just signal me when to shut up.” can be a semi-humorous way to allow others to request you back off.