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Dating

 

Up until 100 years ago most people lived and died in the village in which they were born. The lack of mobility and large families resulted in children that grew up with intimate knowledge of each other so there was no real need to “get to know” someone. Everyone assumed that most would marry and start families of their own. To this end parents might try to influence their children towards certain prospects sometimes because the parents sought what was best for their children (such as avoiding potential problems), and other times, sadly, to try to forge family alliances or gain advantage.

In those days “courtship” was a more formalized method of confirming what had already been pretty well decided. This older world seems so alien today as a distant planet. Today even people that grow up in the same family today do not know each other as well as those of the past. Without some knowledge, all one has to go on is superficial appearance. Even people in school, work, or church can be relatively unknown.

Further complicating dating is that 100 years ago two people had roughly the same idea about what a marriage and family would be. Today one person might recoil from the idea of having children at all. Others might not even see marriage as an option and are are simply interested in cohabitation or even simple recreational fornication.

An even further complication is that in addition to seeking to know the other person at all as well as their objectives and plans for the future, one has to discover to what degree the person may have deceived themselves as to what they want. Just because someone says they want a traditional family doesn’t mean they really will or that they even mean the same things as you do.

Most young people recoil from the idea of parental involvement in any capacity in the dating process. In all fairness most parents today have little to contribute. They do not have any information, little in the way of better discernment skills, and often little in the way of helpful advice. Even if parents were in a better position to be helpful, most young people would still reject the idea of help from friends or family. This leaves the dater essentially facing his task alone.

To better understand the dating process, it is first necessary to clearly understand the human condition. There are basically two views of human nature. The first based on evolution generally sees man as evolving and if he has any individual deficiencies, they can be resolved through education. The second view is the creator view which sees man as essentially defective. While the evolution view has been in ascendance for the last 100 years, it may be time to revisit the creator view as people seem to have gotten worse rather than better.

The key problem with people is selfishness (expressed as “sin” in a religious context). With no suppression, this basic selfishness we each would be the worst kind of mass murderer one could imagine. Parental discipline, apprehension of consequence, culture, and social inertia do a fair job of restraining most of us from really heinous acts of selfishness. However, the variability of selfishness can greatly influence the process of dating.

The next topic to consider is what motivates dating. Most are familiar with the physiological drives that propel people in this direction. However, there are other factors that combine that can make it also difficult clarify the dating process. For example, both men and women can have emotional needs for romantic stimulation, mitigate feelings of loneliness, satisfy a need for a friend with whom to share interests, or have someone who would express affection. There are also other issues such as securing financial support or property, achieving social prominence, or gaining some other advantage.

This article will concern itself with the pursuit of establishing a traditional family. Since most daters are on their own, they will have to prepare themselves as best they can to survive the dating gauntlet. The first step would be to more fully understand the need to surrender selfishness. Having a traditional family requires one to put the interest of others ahead of your own. Children are born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. To help their children to advance on this initial condition, parents have to relinquish some of their own selfishness. However, even before children, two people seeking to learn if each other is capable of being selfless have to make that assessment of each other.

Here one might think that being a Christian would be a big advantage. However, so many people that claim Christ demonstrate no significant difference in selfishness than anyone else, it might not be in itself as useful as one might hope. Ephesians chapter four describes the purpose of Christianity, that of helping Christians to grow and mature to be more like Christ. It is possible to find Christians who more on their own have undertaken this transformative process, however, they are not that common.

There are some who through adversity or unrelenting reality have come to be able to relinquish some selfishness. However, this can be more fragmentary. For most, the conclusion of the dating process is a marriage where together, sometimes painfully, the lessons of selflessness are learned. This may account for a 50% divorce rate in that few are those that can surrender their pride to be selfless, especially if it is only one-sided. That people can flounder in this process without understanding what is happening and why is tragic.

It can be useful to consider another aspect of the human condition. Many remark on the creator view of the universe that the idea of a God is not sustainable because of the existence of pain and suffering in the world. There are two misconceptions here. The first is that comfort and ease are the ideal human condition. The second is that most of the pain and suffering we experience we cause ourselves. The biological and environmental suffering we have are more easily understood as a gift from a creator to limit the opportunity we have to inflict our selfishness of ourselves and each other.

The reason comfort and ease are important factors to consider is that if someone’s ambitions are to build a family that enjoys comfort and ease, even if successful, can be harmful. Qualities of honesty, fortitude, perseverance, diligence, and kindness are essential to building a successful family. These are qualities one should develop in oneself as well as seek in others. Character qualities are essential for surviving difficulties, but even more critical to survive prosperity.

If one understands the larger context of the human condition and attempts to engage in the dating process with little or no support, the first point to consider is where to look. Most have exhausted work, friends, and even church. Perhaps our technology has solved the problem with dating web sites. However, most women are on a dating web site for a day or two after finding an avalanche of “Hi”, “How are you” and “whassup” responses simply back away. They do not understand that most guys are simply looking for any response and by crunching the numbers hope that something will turn up. This dynamic is exploited by the web site making money from those seeing little other alternative.

Some see the dating web site as a service business like car repair where you take your car to get fixed. However the web site does little to help you find someone other than perhaps matching interest words. It might be better to search for interest words on social media and find individuals you can contact directly. however,most people can be intimidated by this level of individual action. It can be useful to prepare not only phrasing for inquiry such as, “I saw you profile and was curious if you were dating or looking”. Given the world we live in one should be prepared to deal with those for whom such an inquiry would trigger a rage response. to this one might  responsd such as, “I am sorry if I misunderstood your status”, and be thankful you were able to avoid such a character.

There are ways to expand one’s social circle such as volunteer work. These activities can be useful to reduce the tension of a purely social environment by having a common task. Here you have the advantage of at least a peripheral interest in common. However, to take more full advantage of these opportunities, being skilled at observation is useful. For example, seeing how someone responds to an interruption, a request for help, or discharges the task at hand can be useful. Also observing who wants to be prominent, who is slack in work, and who is easily irritated is also useful.

While many and perhaps most consider the identification of someone attractive as their criteria, one who has a longer view will consider deeper qualities. Regardless, there may come a time when the next step may be sought. Here asking for a date can be a big hurdle. Alternatively, one can float a hypothetical as a sot of trial balloon. If the opportunity presents itself in conversation one can suggest, ‘Maybe we could have coffee sometime?”. This is not exactly asking someone for a date, but an inquiry as to if there might be an interest. This allows the other person to respond with a “yes” or a “I have been pretty busy lately”, or any other response that can be interpreted to see if there is any reciprocal interest.

The actual first date is the tough one. You both probably know that it is a mutual interview. However, it is best to keep up the facade of a friendly chat. Asking someone about their work and family are good ways to find out more about them personally. Secondarily, one can learn about a person by how they feel about their work and family. By asking someone how they feel about kids, you might get a glimpse into their value system. Political views can also be a window into values.

The difficulty with a first date is to suppress emotions. for example, one might have expectations that run out ahead of reality. One might see boldness when what was really demonstrated was peevishness. One dosen’t want passions to distort reality so that one sees in another what one wants to see. As passions fade, one is going to live with reality. It is better to honestly discern what is real first so that accurate decisions can be made.

Second and third dates may follow and as more information is accumulated, one finds that certainty can grow, but it may be certainty that a relationship may not be acceptable to one or both. keeping things dispassionate can be useful to discontinue with diminished hurt feelings.

Here it can be useful to separate out what the world calls “love” and what the bible calls “love”. Biblical love is essentially selflessness (1Cor 13:4-7). What the world calls “love” is a composite of anticipation, expectation, lust, attraction, excitement, and speculation. This can be powerfully stimulating, but do not last. These sensations are what people “fall” into and out of so easily.

The basic problem with people is that we are designed to have relationships and our selfishness poisons them. As we realize this, we can begin to appreciate what God did to rescue us from the consequences of our selfishness. Having a new life in Christ is the opportunity to exchange our old selfish nature for the new selfless nature that God would have for us.




  


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